“But, Hannah… I thought you were all about body positivity?”
Don’t worry, I still am! Loving your body is so important!
“But… but… why’re you giving diet tips if you think everyone should be happy with themselves?!”
Unfortunately, we live in a diet culture. Yo-yo diets, flat tummy teas, appetite suppressant sweets… it’s all gone a bit toxic. Don’t get me wrong, dieting is inherently okay if you’re doing it healthily and for the right reasons! Maybe, like me, you’re overweight and your health anxiety convinces you that every day you binge-eat that family bag of Doritos you’re one step closer to having a heart attack. Maybe, like me, y̶o̶u̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶a̶p̶i̶s̶t̶… but I digress.
I know what you’re thinking – why can’t we just create a fourth emergency service. A Jameela Jamil emergency service; you’ll dial 999 and she’ll turn up (with or without a siren on her head), tell you to ‘f*ck the flat tummy teas’ and whisk you off to The Good Place… or something. Unfortunately I don’t think that’s going to happen any time soon, so in the meantime how’re we supposed to cope with navigating the diet industry?
Well… I want to be that light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been steadily dieting for seven weeks now; no tricks, no quick-fix.
And. Definitely. No. keto.
F*CK FLAT TUMMY TEAS
I’m no Jameela, but seriously. F*ck ’em. Pooing out the pounds sounds like the perfect silver bullet, doesn’t it? Until you’re stuck on the loo with crippling stomach cramps for the best part of three hours, wondering why you didn’t just go for the colonic irrigation. Oh yeah, and don’t go for a colonic irrigation. You’re not a Kardashian. You’re made of flesh and blood.
I mean, eating what you want and finding an extreme way to purge it all out of you? Sounds a bit familliar, doesn’t it?
Of course, y’know what the greatest appetite suppressant is, don’t you…?
Come closer, and I’ll let you in on a little secret…
Closer… don’t be shy…
IT’S EATING THREE SIZEABLE MEALS EVERY SINGLE DAY AND DRINKING PLENTY OF WATER!!!!!!
Imagine spending crazy money on some horrifying hard-boiled sweets or lollipops, believing the fallacy that they’ll make you skinny. Once again, is your name Kim Kardashian? Have you had extensive plastic surgery to carve your perfect body; while presumingly having never picked up an appetite suppressant once because… oh yeah, you don’t need it due to the fact you have a f*cking on-call plastic surgeon? No?
So save your money. Every time you’re tempted to buy one of these putrid products, talk yourself out of it. Save your money, and reward the act of saying ‘no. I’m better than this.’ by treating yourself to something nice. Because it’s true. You’re so much better than this. If overeating is something you genuinely struggle with, try drinking plenty of water before, during and after meals. Sometimes we snack excessively because we’re actually dehydrated, and there’s no greater cure for that than water. It’s free. And non-dangerous. And non-vapid. Think about it.
YO-YO DIETS AND RESTRICTING…
Will not work long-term. Trust me, I’m saving you a wasted month here. I remember seeing Trisha Paytas lose twenty pounds in two weeks, watching her weight loss video; seeing that all she ate in a day was a juice shot and two boiled eggs, trying it and ending up spending over thirty quid at Yo! Sushi after two weeks.
Well, one week.
Wel- it just doesn’t work, okay?
When your body is so used to intaking over two-thousand calories a day; you can’t just cut out all carbs, sugars and fats all of a sudden and expect longevity. You may see dramatic results quickly, but is it worth the dizziness? Is it worth the constant headaches? Is it worth the persistent hunger pains? Restricting is not healthy, and nine-times-out-of-ten you’ll end up binging and putting on more than you originally weighed anyway.
With diets like Keto… look, I’m not trashing it. I just think it’s all very extra; the daily blood-tests (if you’re going all out), the excess of meat, the allowance of fat… five years ago it was called the Atkin’s diet and it was incredibly controversial. Whether you try Keto or not is incredibly up to you, but always be mindful and cautious.
CALORIES, MACROS, JOULES… AM I GOING INSANE?
You’re not the only one; so let me break it down for you!
Calories: measure the energy value of food
Macros: short for Macronutrient. All of the good stuff; zinc, protein, iron, carbs and fats.
Joules: the amount of energy needed to (theoretically) work off the food you’ve eaten.
Seems like a lot, doesn’t it? Diet tracking apps such as Lifesum can be incredibly helpful, though! All you need to do is input what you’ve eaten and how much exercise you’ve taken that day, and the app calculates everything for you – your cals, your macros and your joules.
SO… THAT SILVER BULLET YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT…
There’s an ad circulating on YouTube by some guy called VSauce or something equally as cringey, chatting about his silver bullet method for losing weight. It’s like, okay mister; you might be a personal trainer & nutritionist with ten-plus years of experience, but nobody is more nutrient-knowledgeable than a former yo-yo dieter!
There is no silver bullet. Soz. Just old-fashioned calorie cutting and hard work. As women, the NHS claims that in order to lose weight, we should be cutting down to 1600 calories a day. For men, it’s 1900 calories a day. This still leaves a lot of room for nutritionally balanced meals, healthy snacks and the occasional treat! Top that off with drinking at least four glasses of water a day and you should be well on your way to a healthier life!
Exercise-wise, you can’t go wrong with Lucy Wyndham-Read’s Seven Minute Workout, I usually combine this with some HIIT and weight training for around twenty minutes every day. That’s all!
It’s classic tortoise-and-hare. Slow and steady wins the race. I mean… it’s been working pretty well for me. (Cue self-indulgent transformation photos)
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